I am pretty sure that every boy develops a crush on a fictional character at some point during his childhood. Sometimes it's Topanga from Boy Meets World, sometimes it's Princess Lana from Captain N: The Game Master, and in some rare cases, it's Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. For me, it was Rebecca Donaldson from Full House. When Full House ended in 1995, I was heartbroken; no longer would I be able to masturbate to images of my beloved Becky. Sure, there were reruns, but masturbating to reruns is nowhere near as exciting as spanking it to a first-run episode. Luckily for me, the fictional Aunt Becky was played by the very real Lori Loughlin, an exceptionally talented actress whose prolific career continues to this very day. But more importantly, she's hot. She was hot on Full House, she was hot on that craptastic Summerland show she created and produced, she was hot on the short-lived sitcom In Case of Emergency, and she's still looking damn good on her current show, 90210. Unfortunately, Lori won't be smoking hot forever. The years have been kind to her thus far, but scientists project that Lori's hotness could sharply deteriorate over the next 7-10 years if preventive measures are not taken. Without proper maintenance, Lori Loughlin could look like this by 2016:
Is this the type of Lori Loughlin you want your children to inherit? Of course not. That's why the Society for the Preservation of Lori Loughlin (SPLL) was founded, to make sure that the Loughlin of the future is every bit as desirable as the present day vixen. Here are at the SPLL, our board of directors has come up with several viable plans of action to keep Lori looking fine well into 22nd century... and beyond! You will find these plans detailed below.
1) Cryonics. Have you ever seen Demolition Man? Of course you have, and it was freaking awesome. Using the very same cryopreservation techniques detailed in that movie, we can keep Lori in a state of suspended animation until we need her.
2) Cloning. The obvious choice. Now we've just got to get those bans lifted.
3) Bukkake. Have you ever wondered why gay men and attractive women seem to age more slowly than straight men and fat chicks? The answer is bukkake, the ancient Japanese art of taking massive amounts of semen to the face. By keeping Lori covered in copious amounts of skin-renewing man goo, we can keep her looking forever young. At the SPLL, we are dedicated to making sure such semen is readily available for her.
4) Stem Cells. Although the full medical potential of stem cells is currently unknown, it is believed that they might one day be used to grow new organs for people who need them. And if stem cells might one day replace dead brain cells, it serves to reason that they might also replace waning "sexy" cells, thus defending Lori Loughlin's looks against the aging process.
5) Premature Embalming. A last resort to be sure, but desperate times often call for desperate measures.
These are just a few of our many ideas to save the sexy, sexy Lori Loughlin so that future generations might one day wank to her likeness. If you would like to join the SPLL, or if you would like more information about our ideas, philosophy, or current projects, you can contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Furthermore, you can directly help the cause by signing this petition to lift the ban on human cloning. Let's all work together and keep Lori sexy forever!
- Mark T. Poli, Society President
LORI = HOTNESS!!!